Rolling In D’oh

The good news is that I am deeply in love with our new puppy. The bad news is that she’s turning into Homer Simpson right in front of my very eyes.

Hello, by the way, and welcome to the latest installment of the TBTL newsletter. My name is Andrew. I hope this email finds you well.

Animated gif of Homer Simpson sitting on the floor in front of his couch wearing nothing but a pair of white underwear. He's eating something that dripped onto his chest and he calls his dog over to lick it off for him. He giggles while the dog licks

When we brought Lucy home last week, she weighed 9 pounds 8 ounces, had bright green eyes, and light brown fur covered her from head to toe. A few days later, I started to notice a change. Yes, she’s a tiny bit bigger, a tiny bit heavier. But what caught my eye was the color of her face. Her snout seems to be getting darker, giving her a look not unlike everyone’s favorite cartoon dad.

To wit:

Side by side images. A sleeping puppy, Lucy, on the left. Her muzzle is darker brown than the rest of her fur. On the right is an image of Homer Simpson on a white background.

To be clear, this isn’t really a problem for me. I would adore Lucy even if her snout were that hideous teal color that the Seattle Mariners used to wear. But unfortunately, I’m starting to think that the similarities don’t end there. For example, they’re both incredibly lazy, they’re both prone to emotional outbursts, and they both got their start on The Tracey Ullman show. This simply cannot be a coincidence.

When I asked Lucy about all this, she claimed total ignorance. She actually pretended like she’d never even heard of The Simpsons. Yeah, right! I’m not falling for that one. I told her that was more ridiculous than the members of Greta Van Fleet pretending that they had never heard of Led Zeppelin. She had literally no response to that at all, so I think my point landed.

As discussed on Thursday’s show, Genevieve ordered a DNA kit through the mail and just submitted a swab of Lucy’s (probably donut-scented) saliva yesterday. So I assume it’s just a matter of weeks before we learn more about our puppy’s lineage. But in the meantime, I’m taking no chances. I called all the local taverns and told them not to serve any dogs who look under-age, even if they’re sporting a relatively realistic looking 5-o’clock shadow. I called the local nuclear power plant and told them their worst employee won’t be showing up to work for a while. And I called Dr. Hibbert to get an update on prescription. (That last one has nothing to do with Lucy, I’m just running low on my arthritis meds.)

Photo of Genevieve's hand holding a blue box containing "Wisdom Panel" dog DNA test. Puppy Lucy is poking her face up from behind the box.

Obviously, you will be the first to know if I observe any more developments on this front. I’ll be keeping my eye out to see if she starts to develop a pot belly, a drinking problem, and/or a penchant for plowing driveways. The best we can do for now is wait, watch, and support her no matter what.

Speaking of support, thank you all for all of the emails filled with puppy-related advice the past couple of weeks. I’ve loved seeing all the photos of your canine companions, too -- each and every one of them a goddang treasure. I promise not to flood you all with too many pictures of Lucy, as I know that can get tedious. But in case you’re wondering what she looks like when she’s mad at me for taking her outside to go to the bathroom, it looks like this:

Tiny little puppy, Lucy, sitting on her butt, legs out in front of her, as she leans against the base of a house. She has a blue harness with a yellow leash attached.

Alright, everybody! I hope you have a great weekend filled with pink frosted donuts and Duff beer. Luke and I will talk to you on Monday!

-- Andrew

Music For Your Weekend

Illustrated animated gif of a long, forever scrolling piano keyboard on a green background.

Andrew: Your Eyes by White Fence

Listen, there’s a good chance that you know more about the artist known as White Fence than I do. All I know is that this popped into my inbox via a publicity email a few weeks ago, and I really dig it! White Fence is apparently the project of a guy named Tim Presley, and his latest record, Orange, is dropping next Friday, April 24. This song is the third track and the first single released off of Orange. Enjoy!

Luke: DAISIES by Justin Bieber

I love the guitar on this song so much, it’s muted and slightly overdriving the amp, but in the coolest way. Also, Justin’s singing ain’t bad either. When I told Becca I was into this album she was like “yeah of course, it’s amazing”, which means she’s been listening to Bieber behind my back and I don’t know how exactly to feel about that.

If you’d like to submit a “Music For Your Weekend” recommendation, just email Andrew here!

This Week On TBTL

Image from a 1981 Sony headphones commercial that shows a thin white woman in a silver body suit sitting in a yoga position, looking like she's floating in a vacuum.

#4704 Statue Of Limitations
Monday, April 13
The Mariners finally unveiled a statue honoring Ichiro Suzuki on Friday, but the big reveal didn’t go exactly as planned… We also get updates on the TBTL Junior Jalapenos and puppy/kitty relations in Andrew’s house.

#4705 This Is Not The Fifty Pounds You’re Looking For
Tuesday, April 14
Luke’s frustrating saga trying to return a set of dishes has him reconsidering his shopping style. Andrew is excited to bring some “Celebrity Birthday Segment” energy to TBTL. And former NYC Mayor / fraudster Eric Adams is trying to bump Luke lower down the list of famous Albanian-Americans.

#4706 What Does Thunder Look Like?
Wednesday, April 15
We have now heard from almost everyone involved in the Chappel Roan security guard controversy, and everyone seems surprisingly reasonable. Plus, Luke is digging Justin Bieber's music and recent performance at Coachella, and Andrew makes a fool of himself with a local reporter. And a listener brings some FACTS when it comes to “the sound of lightning.”

#4707 Can’t Find A Bedder Cup
Thursday, April 16
Luke and Andrew are in bad shape after a terrible night of Mariners baseball -- and that’s just referring to their branding gimmicks. Luke has several mug-related emergencies during the show, while Andrew does everything in his power to tank the podcast with audio misfires. Meanwhile, the tennis shoe company AllBirds is transitioning into a…whatnow?

Ten Of The Week

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