Something’s been bothering me every time I go to the bathroom. I told my doctor about it, but he wouldn’t listen to my concerns. So I’m going to share it with you. 

“ANDREW!” you might be thinking to yourself right now. “I know that this TBTL newsletter is considered a safe space where you can let down your guard and be vulnerable. But do you really want to air your most personal bathroom-related problems so publicly?” 

Yes, I do. 

You see, I subscribe to a magazine called Reader’s Digest. It’s a gift subscription from my dad. And if you know anything about Reader’s Digest, you know that it belongs in one place and one place only in the home: On the back of the toilet in the downstairs bathroom. This is where we kept the Reader’s Digest when I was growing up, and it’s where I will keep my Reader’s Digest until the day I die (or when the subscription runs out; whichever comes first.) 

But as much as I love and revere the classic publication, from its Dramas in Real Life to its Humors in Uniform, I’m afraid the latest edition is causing me pain. Take a look at this cover: 

As you can see, the top story is -- and I quote directly here -- “Moneysaving Do’s and Don’ts”. 

Let’s look at that again: MONEYSAVING DO’S AND DON’TS. 

When I was a kid, I had a VHS copy of a famous Beatles documentary called The Compleat Beatles. It featured an interview with the band’s producer, George Martin, who explained -- among other things -- how he helped created the whirling, swooshing, psychedelic sound in the song Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite. He said he and John Lennon recorded a bunch of organ music, then literally cut the tape into one-foot segments, threw them all in the air, then re-spliced them together randomly. 

This, I believe, is the same approach the Reader’s Digest editors took to apostrophe placement in this headline. They must have scooped up a handful of apostrophes, tossed them up into the air, then let them fall down between the letters wherever the wind took them. It’s a novel approach, to be sure. And maybe I should be applauding their avant garde methods. 

But I’m not. 

I respect you too much, dear reader, to review the rules around proper apostrophe usage here. I’m sure you’re already well aware.  But suffice it to say, there is no reason to put an apostrophe in the word “dos”, other than the fact that the word looks a little doofy on its own. But if you insist on using an apostrophe there, don’t you also have to apply the same rule to the second word, too?

MONEYSAVING DO’S AND DON’T’S! 

(Oh, also, I’m not entirely convinced that “moneysaving” is a word. I think it’s two words. Feel free to hyphenate them if you’re feeling nasty.)

Listen, complaining about grammar is not a cool thing to do. It’s tedious. It’s boring. In some contexts it can be classist and gatekeeper-y. Not to mention, it also puts a target on your own back; I’m sure I’ve made more than one typo in this very newsletter. 

But in Reader’s Digests’ case, I don’t believe this was a typo. I believe this was a conscious decision made by designers who didn’t like the way “dos” looks without the unnecessary punctuation. 

But apostrophes are not a decoration. They’re not a piece of jewelry you drape across a word to gussy it up, or a sprig of parsley you place next to an omelet at a diner so you can charge a dollar more. They serve a purpose. And if anyone should understand this deeply, I would think it would be the editors at Reader’s Digest, a magazine that has dragged around its own inconvenient apostrophe since its birth 102 years ago. 

Why my doctor doesn’t think this is a problem, I’ll never fully understand. But appreciate you giving me the space to get this off my chest. 

Also, I should mention, Emily Tyre’s Craving Cranberries column is straight fire! Highly recommend. 

But that’s enough RD  talk for one day. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Luke and I will talk to you Monda’y! 

-- Andrew

Hey Dummies

Music For Your Weekend

Andrew: Semi Suite by Tom Waits
You might have heard that I was hanging out at the Lake City Record Show last weekend, eavesdropping on KIXI-related conversations and chatting-up vendors about rare-ish Donovan recordings. This is all true. But what you might not know is that I picked up a copy of Tom Waits’ The Heart of Saturday Night while I was there. I love this album so much. It defined the word “vibe” half a century before we started using it to describe everything that invokes feeling. That’s why I find it incredibly difficult to extract just one song to share with you today. A younger Andrew would point you towards one of the more beatnik-y tracks, something that sounds like a cartoon cat thumping on a standup bass and barking out poetry in a moonlit alley. But today I’m choosing the more subtle Semi Suite. It’s the musical version of a long, deep drag on your last cigarette of the night. Enjoy however you see fit.

Luke: Central Park West by Peel Dream Magazine
Addie sent me a link to this album on Monday, and I’m guessing I’ve listened to it maybe 8 times front to back in the intervening 5 days? As I recently wrote on the ascendant social media platform Blue Sky “this healed something inside me”. This album melds so many sounds I’ve loved over the years, Stereolab, Sufjan Stevens, Vince Guaraldi. Please ignore the fact that their name is a bit on the pretentious side (after all I work on a show called “Too Beautiful To Live” I mean, seriously dude?), and also that the first 15 seconds of song #2 “Oblast”, which unprompted Addie texted me, “wtf with the first 15 seconds of that song?”, right as I was thinking the same thing, is a bit of a stumble. Apples + Trees I guess right? Anyway, enjoy!

Listener Jami : Your Mind Is Not Your Friend by The National (ft. Phoebe Bridgers)
I'm inexplicably on a The National binge - nothing like a pick-me up! But my current fav is this 2023 song with Phoebe Bridgers, Your Mind is Not Your Friend.

This Week On TBTL

#4339 Charlatan Chew 
Monday, November 18
Luke and Andrew call on the StuBot to settle a bet regarding a Mariner’s pitcher of yesteryear. They also discuss the sweet snack treats of their youth, and how Bluesky continues to Bluesky. 

#4340 Going Too American With Your Gothic 
Tuesday, November 19
Andrew overheard a conversation this weekend that was so relevant to his interests, he wonders if it might have been a trap. He and Luke also prepare for “bomb cyclone” headed their way, and an update on Razzlekhan, the self-styled crypto-currency rapper who’s headed to prison. 

#4341 The Worm Has Turned 
Wednesday, November 20
Luke and Andrew both survived a night of major winds and power outages in the region, but now Andrew is bracing for a visit from the plumber who may have good news or bad news about his sewage system. Plus, a Seattle sushi restaurant has shut down after the internet accused it of serving fish with worms in it. 

#4342 Hey, I’m Knittin’ Here! 
Thursday, November 21
Andrew has a much-anticipated update on his plumbing situation at home, while Luke is hoping to have minor eye surgery this afternoon. They also discuss LeBron James’ decision to quit social media and whether or not they are to blame.

#4343 Can You Separate The Les From The Nessman? 
Friday, November 22
Luke and Andrew find themselves critiquing a new ad campaign, old TV sitcoms featuring teachers, and something Andrew believes is an homage to Twisted Sister (although he’s been wrong before.)

Ten Of The Week

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