I’m supposed to be writing the TBTL Friday Newsletter right now, but I can’t think of anything to report. So instead I find myself making Mariners-related memes and posting them to the internet.

Hello, by the way! This is Andrew from the Too  Beautiful To Live podcast. I hope this email finds you well.

People come up to me all the time and say, “Andrew! You and Luke talk a lot about that text chain you share with a few other buddies where you talk about sports all the time. What actually goes on over there, and can I join?” 

To which I usually say, “Doctor, can we talk about this once you’re actually finished with my colonoscopy?” 

But it is true. We call ourselves “The Fun Lovin’ Creminals”, named of course after former Mariners radio producer-engineer Kevin Cremin. And what happens over there is quite simple: We mostly complain about our favorite sports teams and try to make each other laugh through our tears. Members include three Burbank brothers, Stu “The StuBot” Neuman, a pessimist named Ders, a television producer named John, and myself. Technically there are two other participants -- our friends Camaro Kev and Roden -- but their rare contributions usually come in question form, like “How do I get off this text chain?” and “Is there a way to ‘mute all’?”

Oh, and we also share a lot of memes, many of them homemade.

In fact, today’s Mariners game is still an hour away, but the Creminals are already heating up with complaints about today’s scheduled line-up. I will admit that I started the griping by noting that our clean-up hitter is currently batting .106. (For the non-baseball fans out there, that is the Rotten Tomatoes equivalent of green splatter all over your screen or The Voice equivalent of a chair never spinning around.) That’s why I made this instead of starting my newsletter work:

I will admit that the Creminals text chain has actually become one of my favorite creative outlets in recent years. We used to have a player named Donovan Solano who by most measures was -- if you’ll excuse the baseball lingo -- “not good.” But that didn’t stop me from pasting his smiling face onto a classic album cover and sharing it every time he lucked into a fielder’s choice:

We have a different player named Donovan these days -- Brendan Donovan -- and on the rare occasion that he’s not injured, he actually hits the ball pretty well! And when that happens, I like to share this simple photo with my buds: 

We also love a player name Dominic Canzone -- not just because he went to my high school or because he looks a little like David from the Basement -- but because every time he does something great, it’s an excuse to share this: 

Cole Young is one of our brightest young players and is a delight to watch. He deserves better, but it’s the best I got when he hits a dinger: 

Of course, while we love our Mariners, they are mostly a source of frustration for your local Creminals. The team might jump out to an early lead, only to slowly let that lead slip away. That’s when Ders will drop a little Twin Peaks into the chat:

All too often we must turn to our friends at I Think You Should Leave to express our anger…

…and our inevitable despair after nine innings: 

And that, in a nutshell, is what’s going on over on the  Fun Lovin’ Creminals text chain. That, and the occasional intellectual debate between Luke and Ders about the proper amount of pessimism one is allowed to express amongst friends. 

We are now minutes away from first pitch in tonight’s matchup against the Kansas City Royals, a team whose fan base has endured even more heartbreak in the past few weeks than the Seattle Mariners. But it’s also likely that they will sweep us again this weekend, giving me an opportunity to employ one of the StuBot’s go-to lamentations:

Have a great weekend, everybody! Win or lose, Luke and I will talk to you on Monday. 

Andrew

Lucy, Genevieve and me on our way to Puppy Kindergarten last night.
(Don’t  worry, I took this at a stop light.)